Taking your kids to the zoo is a fun activity for the whole family, especially after binge-watching Making a Murderer as a way to show your kids that even animals can get put in prison for something they didn’t do.
Thoughtful dad Robert Jennings brought his family to the zoo with the reasonable hope that the concession stands sold sour skittles, and that his 8-year-old son wouldn’t also get a bitter taste in his mouth after seeing turtles banging. While he knew there was a chance he might have no choice but to finally educate Lucas on the birds and the bees, Robert had no idea that they would stumble onto what was either a majestic creature, or a prime example of God really fucking up.
“At first I was like ‘Whoa, that bird is like nature’s gymnast, get that ostrich with good genes on a balance beam.’ But then I looked a little closer, and the horror started setting in once I realized this abomination was the result of God getting way too lazy after creating the penguin,” uttered the elder Jennings through a mouth full of tart blue raspberry skittles.
Other family members were also distraught. “I came here expecting to see monkeys throwing their shit at each other so that I could snapchat it with the caption ‘zoo psychiatric ward,’ but instead I got mind-fucked into wondering whether flamingos need ballerina shoes and a tutu or treatment for rheumatoid arthritis. PETA needs to step in, because I already did a GoFundMe last month to get a new pair of Vans,” said 15-year-old Keith Jennings.
After exiting through the gift shop and wasting an ungodly amount of money on elephant key chains and panda masks, Robert’s mood could best be described as “only white man on a jury.” In a classic case of not assuming that everything with a long neck is super fucked up, the Jennings clan learned the hard way that any bird too big to sit on the shoulder of a man who is undoubtedly out of his god damn mind was a clerical error in the creationism process.