Traffic Report: Everyone Driving A Yellow Car Needs To Fucking Relax

Although there are overcast skies, no precipitation in sight is making way for great driving conditions today. No report of any accidents thus far, but one thing is for certain: everyone driving a yellow car needs to chill the fuck out, pronto.

A yellow Subaru was seen Tokyo-drifting in a Target parking lot earlier, because that’s something you can put on your application to Pizza Hut. A yellow Scion was also seen weaving in and out of traffic like a complete asshole with the shocker bumper sticker on the back, just to remind you that he puts his fingers in more pussies and butts than you do in your navy blue Hyundai Sonata.

The two separate instances were just a reminder that not only does everyone driving a yellow car think too highly of Vin Diesel, but also that Guy Fieri definitely has some yellow high-priced piece of shit in his garage.

“Not really sure why I feel the urge to absolutely blast everyone driving a yellow car in the face with my fist, but that’s just the way of the road,” explained local pastor David Monroe.

Science has not been able to pinpoint what makes us yell out “you need to relax bitch” every time us normal-colored car people see a yellow vehicle. Maybe it’s the idea that we know the person driving it uses the word “bro” way too often, or the fact that the human behind the wheel of the yellow machine has personally set off numerous rape whistles, but regardless they need to simmer the fuck down ASAP.

School buses seem to get a pass, but that’s only until the little fuckers in the back give you the fake middle finger and you follow them to their bus stop and threaten to put them in a wood chipper, just because deep down inside you know that if you don’t they’ll grow up to be the yellow Mitsubishi driving jerk off doing 69 in a 30 while laughing maniacally.

About Zac Townsend
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