Studies Show Going Outside Increases Your Chances of Getting Shit on by a Bird by 100%

A recent study conducted by Devry University unveils an ugly truth: going outside you increase your chances of getting crapped on by a bird by a whopping 100%.

This came as a bit of a hard pill to swallow with the constant idea of terroristic threats, natural disasters, and now this? It’s almost as if God is urging us to all become the hermits that we secretly want to be.

“Unfortunately, the statistics are true; I was outside a few times this month and saw tons of people get pooped on from the sky. It was almost like watching Pearl Harbor unfold in front of my very eyes, except this time there was no Ben Affleck,” explained esteemed Devry professor Buck Thornton.

The sad part is that this affects everyone who goes outside, from a person getting in some cardio to the couple eating outside at a restaurant because for some reason women love to insist on fucking eating outside. Birds come in all shapes and sizes, making this statistic even scarier than one would imagine.

Two people outside playing Pokemon Go had their lives forever changed after being shit on by a hawk. Yeah, a fucking hawk. To stay safe in this crazy world, Devry professor Buck Thornton is urging everybody to either stay inside or come to his studio apartment, but we’d say be careful about the second option because he looks like he has a foot fetish.

Birds aren’t usually found inside unless you’re one of those lonely creeps who has a cockatoo or parrot, so Thornton’s advice is fairly sound. So to those of you planning on going outside, godspeed, and to those of you playing it safe, any Netflix suggestions?

About Zac Townsend
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