Studies Show 94% of Americans Would Rather Have a Heart Attack Than Switch to Plain Cheerios

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A recent study showed that more than 90% of Americans would rather go into cardiac arrest and leave their family in utter pain and grief with their sudden death than switch to plain cheerios.

Plain cheerios came out of left field with doctors in their corner claiming that eating their bland bullshit will lower your cholesterol, which leads to a lower chance of clogged arteries and overall minimizes your risk of heart disease.

While the claims are in fact one hundred and ten percent true, Americans aren’t buying it. “It’s insanity, no way that’s true, if it’s my time to go then it’s my time to go. I ain’t switching,” said 47 year old Luis Rivera who was sweating profusely even though the air conditioner was keeping the room at a very cool 68 degrees.

“I don’t even know where to buy plain cheerios, probably Whole Foods or one of those hippy stores, and they charge you an arm and a leg over there,” stated Rivera, who ironically will probably be losing either an arm and or leg with his impending case of diabetes. Ever since the claim of health, plain Cheerios has seen no increase in sales and actually noted a slight decrease with Americans referring to it as a “cocky move,” even going as far to sending in death threats to Cheerios which read “mind your own fucking business or else.”

Obesity doesn’t necessarily come with a level head as the American people have shown, but the people have spoken and if you want their Lucky Charms you’re going to have to pry them from their dead, cold hands, which unfortunately due to statistics will be before the age of 55.

About Zac Townsend
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