Scientists Report Giraffes Are Becoming Vulnerable To Extinction, Yet Somehow Llamas Show No Sign Of Going Fucking Anywhere

Biologists have recently come out to say the giraffe population has significantly decreased in the past 30 years, shrinking nearly 40 percent. This leaves us with one question: WHAT THE FUCK? Are you serious? As if Africa hasn’t had it hard enough, and now you lay this shit on them.

I’m no cargo shorts with boots-wearing wildlife expert, but how can mother nature pull the plug on such a majestic creature while llamas are still out here in bountiful numbers? Also, fuck llamas and anyone who says that they enjoy them. Oh, you like llamas? Yeah me too, if it weren’t for them I would never know what it felt like to be spat on in front of my kids at a petting zoo. Not exactly sure which horse fucked a gerbil on Noah’s ark to create llamas while God wasn’t watching, but I’m sure he can’t be too happy about this news either.

I mean c’mon, who is out here killing giraffes? Own up now because it damn sure isn’t other animals. We just watched a video of a giraffe curb stomping the king of the fucking jungle like he was Edward Norton in American History X.

We need giraffes, not only for awful jokes like you telling your friend after a hit of a blunt that you’re higher than giraffe pussy, but also to keep lions’ egos in check. My suggestion is we rent out the honeymoon suite at Hotel Rwanda, throw on some slow jams, and let two of these remaining giraffes bang out until their population numbers are higher than……(wait for it)…….Giraffe pussy.

About Zac Townsend
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