News reports of terrifying clowns lurking in towns across America have been trickling in at a steady rate, but one hard-working man is trying to raise awareness and bring attention to the fact that some clowns are only demented for choosing to be a disheveled buffoon for a living.
Normal-ass clown Doug Peterson has lived his life working as an entertainer despite living a not-so-glamorous lifestyle, squeezing his red nose for kids and a miracle whip bottle for his lunch everyday. Now, the violence against clowns is reaching a momentum that not even size 24 shoes can outrun.
“Kids used to see me walking on the street and smile and wave, but I’ve been assaulted three times now, with the last beatdown culminating in this third grader dressed as Batman doing his best Barry Bonds impression with a Louisville Slugger while yelling ‘Why so serious?’ I’m not serious, I’m a fucking clown. Jesus Christ. Do you know how many wash cycles it takes to get blood out of parachute pants?” asked an exasperated Peterson.
Mobs of college kids fueled by Natty Light and student loans have been searching to take out their aggression on anyone wearing makeup and a top hat that they can find, which prompted Peterson to search Nike’s website for an Air Jordan clown shoe.
“They don’t have anything for clowns on that website, can you believe it? If Michael Jordan’s such a gambler, he better be ready to take a chance on losing the clown demographic. Now that I can’t outrun them, I’ll be forced to fight back, and I don’t know just how much water I can store in this squirting flower.”
After attempting to do the math on how many people he could knock out by exclusively doing cartwheels in self-defense, Peterson’s spirits rose at least a little bit. While the entire situation at hand is both scary and unfortunate, Peterson should have realized that graduating from clown college was only a little bit smarter than getting a liberal arts degree.