The sight of 67-year-old Ned Hertz eating his fish and chips basket alone on Wednesday night was either the saddest or downright scariest sight possible depending on whom you asked. The solo endeavor received mixed reviews from fellow citizens in attendance that night.
“Like oh my God, Sarah look at him he’s so adorable and so sad,” said Tiffany, age 17, whose fake I.D. would later be denied that night. “We should go sit with him, babe,” Olivia uttered to Eric, her already disinterested boyfriend of 3 weeks.
But Ned’s eating of breaded cod wasn’t so cute to everyone in attendance; many believed he was there for much more sexually explicit reasons other than glorified fish sticks. “I don’t know, I found it weird that an old man would come to a restaurant alone. He’s probably here to molest some young boy he met in one of those AOL chat rooms. The Internet is a twisted place full of perverts like him and they need to be killed,” said Laura Mullins, mother of four, who also kept inviting us to attend her church this Sunday.
The murmurs of pedophilia mixed in along with the teary-eyed stares of compassion did not phase Hertz in the slightest, who was even overheard asking for extra tartar sauce at one point in the night. After finishing his meal sources say Hertz sat there for an additional 10 to 15 minutes; was he imagining his deceased wife sitting across from him? Was he giving the eleven-year-old indecisive cock tease some more time to show up and get it on? Or was he just not in a hurry to move because he physically has no ligaments left in his knees after squatting in a bunker for 93% of the time he was in Vietnam?
The world may never know, but we do know one thing: it probably was one of the first two, definitely not the last one though.