With January 20th quickly approaching, many stars have declined and flat out refused to perform for the inauguration of President Donald Trump, for reasons unbeknownst to anyone without a twitter account, television or sense of hearing. Due to president-elect Trump’s political stances on women, immigration, and how stupid anyone who isn’t him is, the “celebration” is expected to have the same attendance of a Weight Watchers meeting in Ethiopia.
However, one performer has been locked into performing; Ann Coulter has decided to take time away from withering to perform karaoke during the singing portion of inducting the new president. Sources confirm she will be singing songs such as “Let’s Get It Started” by the Black Eyed Peas, “Here Comes the Boom” by P.O.D, and rounding it all out with another Black Eyed Peas favorite “My Humps,” although it is said that will be a remix turned into “My Trumps.”
The president-elect wanted comedy as relief for the strenuous celebration, but quickly cancelled Michael Richards, famously known as Kramer, after realizing his “infamous” racist Laugh Factory video was not in fact a bit he would be doing at the inauguration. Bummer.
In attempts to populate the celebration, the White House announced free admittance to the event to anyone who shows their ticket stub to Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 at the door. What an electric night it is turning out to be, like The Emmy’s for people who sleep with a copy of Mein Kampf between their mattresses. Watch party at my house, BYOB (Bring Your Own Bleach).