Newscaster Seeming Pretty Apathetic About Burning Building

As the flames roared on during a blistering mansion house fire, friends, family, and neighbors of the Fitzgerald family came to their aid in a powerful rush of support. Local news anchor Bart Daniels, on the other hand, didn’t seem to really give a shit, as he delivered the breaking news and continuous updates with the charisma of an ISIS hostage.

“The mansion is burning, pretty unfortunate if you ask me. We might even have to skip our segment on Flippo the juggling monkey, which would also be tragic.”

With a facial expression that revealed he was probably thinking about what his wife was making for dinner later, Daniels droned on with a completely monotone style, making sure not to inflect even when reading “Oh my god, it’s spread to the third floor, the firemen are doing their best to contain it but this is crazy,” off the teleprompter.

Neighbors of the family didn’t hold back their intensity however, as former detective and guy who obnoxiously jogs in the street, Jack Ford, weighed in on what he thinks caused the inferno. “Holy shit this fire is insane, this has to be arson. I know Fred’s wife’s ex-husband has been liking 5-year-old Facebook pictures of hers recently, so who knows what someone with psychopathic tendencies such as that might do. My ex-wife once blocked me on Facebook and then dyed her hair blue; these are the type of people who belong in psych wards with no questions asked to prevent something like this from happening.”

With the posture of a bored third grader in math class and the look of a man who just wants his steak and potatoes on time, Bart Daniels continued to describe the scene with phrases like “I guess it’s still going on” and “If this thing isn’t extinguished by five I’m going to start calling it an international act of terrorism.”

Co-anchor Molly Elliot showed some humanity by covering her mouth with both her hands later on during the broadcast, but Daniels wouldn’t relent in his attempt to make a family’s engulfed home seem like the stubbed toe of news stories.

About Colin Means
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