When Craig Jenkins received word that he would be the latest in a long line of baristas to help brainwash young women using the chemical “pumpkin”, he knew his new place of employment wouldn’t exactly be a place filled with holiday cheer.
What he didn’t consider, however, was that enough coffee gets consumed each day in the average Starbucks to warrant a hotline to the nearest plumber. Jenkins was told to clean the bathrooms on his first closing shift during exam week, but his manager failed to inform him that he was a dead man walking with only a spray bottle and sanitizer rag.
“I thought it was just common sense. With so many people studying for exams we’re doing a ton of business, so of course our porcelain throne is going to take a beating that looks like the result of nothing short of a grande launcher. Entering that bathroom at the end of the day with only a spray bottle is the modern day version of David vs. Goliath, if David’s only weapon was single-ply toilet paper. I don’t know how Craig crawled out of there alive,” said bewildered manager Jeff Walton.
“I saw one deranged student chug a red bull while knawing on some beef jerky after downing his third frappuccino. I should have said something right then and there, but I held my tongue on the assumption that this bastard had the humanity to go somewhere else to unload that meatloaf-sized shit that even your mom would need help taking out of the oven,” said Todd Barkley, a co-worker and near accomplice in Craig Jenkins’ death.
“I’m calling the health department and demanding hazmat suits for all coffee shops in the month of December. I thought terrorists had released tear gas when I first stumbled into that torture chamber, but it turns out Mr. Sanderson’s geography exam has every student that enters this store chugging more coffe, milk and sugar than their small intestine knows what to do with,” bellowed a wheelchair-bound Jenkins, right before he was hauled to the nearest hospital for further testing.
If any lesson can be learned from this catastrophe, it’s that no student whose graduation hinges on a good score from a course that has a textbook big enough to give trees in a former construction area PTSD should be allowed more than one coffee. Hopefully something can be learned from this mistake, because as of now this poor sap will no doubt be grabbing a tree outside to shit for an entire presidential term.