Man Frantically Rushing To Find A Way To Relate To Dead Celebrity

Everyone’s been there. It’s not a pretty place. Someone famous just died, and you barely have a god damn clue about who they were or what they did. Everyone on social media has a way to express their emotions and rack up the likes and faves, while you’re stuck looking more out of touch than Oscar Pistorius stepping foot on a beach.

Rick Dozier is the latest victim of not being able to relate to a dead celebrity in the wake of Carrie “Princess Leia” Fisher’s death, as his father raised him on Star Trek to the extreme of teaching him to masturbate using the Vulcan salute.

“Growing up, anything Star Wars was forbidden. My friend went as the black guy for Halloween, and when my parents found out I got grounded for being a ‘vader lover.’ Ever since then the closest I’ve gotten to Star Wars is my dad calling every guy named Luke a fag,” said Dozier, who’s planning on taking over the family business of running the fan blog “Spock Gets Snatch” once his father retires.

“Even the one kid left from my high school who still drinks Four Lokos got a ton of likes on his post about her dying, this is bullshit. Could you imagine logging into Facebook and seeing the guy who still chugs strawberry lemonade to the tune of 12% alcohol after his shift at Winn Dixie have a post netting likes from college graduates?”

Although it doesn’t look like Rick will be slaying any klingons with a killer tribute post this time around, he has gotten a head start game-planning his post for when William Shatner dies. Rough drafts include “This man touched my heart,” “Words cannot begin to describe the effect this man had on my life,” and “Eat shit dad.”


About Colin Means
Eloquent drunk-texter

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