Let’s Be Real, You Aren’t Reading A Book In 2017 Because You’re Too Lazy To Even Click This Headline

Well 2016 is finally over, and if you’re anything like the writers for this website, that means you probably think you’re going to change and improve your life for the better. Jesus are you delusional.

You probably think you’re going to read more and become a more well-rounded, knowledgeable individual. You dropped out of college and downloaded the Taco Bell app sober, what the hell is wrong with you. And if that isn’t an accurate portrayal of your personal life, then let me redirect you to a website where condescending douchebags are more widely appreciated.

I can’t even thumb through a few pages of Reader’s Digest while I’m waiting for the Wal-Mart cashier to ring up the thousands of items that are piling up past the conveyor belt. Chances are you would take one look at a Chomsky publication and reach for the nearest Playstation controller, don’t kid yourself.

So now that we’ve righted the ship in your brain that was headed straight for an iceberg in a storm of delusion, let’s look at some realistic resolutions that you stand a fighter’s chance of accomplishing. Maybe limit the day-drinking to once a week, and if you’re pregnant, only drink while listening to Mozart or watching teletubbies. The right amount of culture and education can cancel out more Natty Lights than you can even carry out of a Circle K.

Discover a new porn star. Broaden your horizons. There are way too many fish in the sea for you to stand knee deep at the shore, so keep wading further until you see a shark in the form of a 4-1 guy to girl ratio. Think of the first simple daily task that pops in your head followed by the hottest thing you can think of, and search “washing tupperware stepmom” with a gleam of hope in your eyes.

Well I’ve become disinterested in adding anything else to this article, so hopefully you’re back on the ground and a safe distance away from your dangerous ambitions. Send this article to five people or you’ll get murdered by the haunted spirit that lives under house, thanks.

About Colin Means
Eloquent drunk-texter

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