America hasn’t been the same the past few weeks, after NFL player Colin Kaepernick either sparked an intriguing social justice movement or ruined your life by changing his posture during a song written 200 years ago, depending on your point of view.
Busch Light cans are being slammed down with even more force than usual, stemming from the outrage over a pre-game tradition for a sport where it’s considered a good sign for your mental health if you aren’t constantly drooling by age 40.
Now that the national anthem protests are crossing over to other sports, former jocks are starting to realize that Francis Scott Key was probably a loser who did school plays and didn’t get laid until an unfathomably late age like 18 or 19.
“Now that I actually pay attention to the national anthem, it’s become obvious that this Francis guy was a major fruitcake. Oh say can I see? Luckily not, I just saw Peter Pan last week so I don’t need to lay my eyes on another fairy. I think from now on during the anthem I’m going to play Slayer through my headphones while I think about the time I did blow off a hooker’s ass,” said former high school wrestler and current overnight roadside construction worker Dave Butler.
“That song is definitely describing gay sex, with all the talk about rockets going off and some queer named Rampart. Now every time I hear it I have to go jerk off to a hunting magazine while using motor oil as lubricant to remind myself of what it means to be a man,” stated former high school lacrosse defenseman and current meat packaging plant employee Rick Stanley.
There’s no telling how much this social issue will escalate or how it will ultimately get resolved. The only certainty right now is that there are multitudes of insecure, former jocks who won’t have any other choice but to call their tax guy a fag if they keep getting exposed to the confusion of poetry during their favorite manly sport.