Hillary Clinton Desperately Panders by Naming 23-Year-Old Millennial as Running Mate

ClintonMillenial

Ending speculation that she would name a politically sound individual as her running mate for the 2016 presidential election, Hillary Clinton has named 23-year-old Chaz Roberts as her social media-adept partner in crime.

Citing a need for perspective, versatility, and desperate pandering, Clinton has pulled off a bigger surprise with the selection than any man with a confederate flag tattoo could muster by voting for her.

Although he has no experience in politics outside of ironically making hacky Monica Lewinsky jokes, Chaz is a self-proclaimed expert in curating a Snapchat story and crushing pussy on Tinder.

“Really all you need is a picture of you holding a dog to show how physically strong yet emotionally capable you are, and then something super deep about the environment in your bio. Once they swipe right, you’re all set to pester them into meeting up with you for a drink with the hope that being loud and opinionated will make them see how much of a great personality you have.”

He has a 38% success rate receiving likes from his Instagram followers on pictures of him wearing a fitted hat backwards in a sleeveless shirt, which has the Clinton party raving about his potential to relate to the average clueless, obnoxiously shallow social media-obsessed demographic.

“I do things the right way. For instance, a lot of obscene, self-obsessed assholes like to take pictures at the gym to get attention for doing something positive in their life. I make sure to wait until I get home to take an attention-seeking picture the right way — standing in front of a mirror with my tongue sticking out while I hold my penis in an overly provocative manner. No one has any modesty or self-awareness anymore, which is something I’m excited to take to the White House. We’re going to do this the right way.”

”I think Chaz‘s suggestion for me to get three emoji tattoos is outstanding,” said Clinton in the official presser, who somehow turned “emoji” into a four-syllable word. Reading the teleprompter with a robotic delivery that only a true veteran politician could possess, she finished by uttering “Together we will help America progress into a better place and, remember, if your text bubbles are green, don’t hit up my phone.”

About Colin Means
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