The Olympics might be winding down, but that didn’t stop the light bulb from going off over TeleGlobal employee Tom Bergman’s head with a brilliant idea in between cold calls to old women where he was told to “eat shit” and “please, for the love of God, find the nearest bridge and jump off.”
“This job can get a little tense at times, which is why an office Olympics would be a great way to have fun, relieve stress, and help people forget about me wearing only boxer briefs last casual Friday. Amanda might back off her claim to HR that she needs therapy once she’s too busy giggling in an office chair race to care about the imprint of my penis,” explained Bergman.
Bergman is trying to organize events such as Trashcanball and Speed Stapling, but if you ask around, his co-workers will tell you that there isn’t any doubt he would be the Michael Phelps of the obnoxious dickhead competition.
“A conversation with Tom will make you crave Nickelback faster than Usain Bolt can run the 100 meter. Once three o clock hits there’s always a good chance he’ll pop his collar and start talking about his plans to order Chinese takeout and watch Friends reruns. This guy has the mental capacity of Ryan Lochte, so as far as I’m concerned the only office Olympic game that matters is the annoying fuck category Tom is running away with,” said exasperated co-worker Ed Willingham.
It’s also rumored that Tom is trying to include cubicle jumping, an event where he would try to scale over the only barrier that keeps Amanda from bashing her skull against her Microsoft keyboard.
She didn‘t hold back when questioned, as she proceeded to tear Bergman to shreds. “This guy once flirted with me by trying to offer me a pop tart that was in the same tupperware container as his leftover spaghetti for some reason. I understand that strawberry is the best flavor, but untoasted and stained with a hint of marinara isn’t going to make you the Prince Charming that keeps me away from online dating.”
If handled the right way, an office Olympics could be a great way to have some fun after getting called “the reason the electric chair exists” by a woman named Gertrude after trying to sell her a blender. Unfortunately for the folks at TeleGlobal, it’s hard to have a good time and enjoy competitive spirit when the guy organizing it says things like “Is anyone else cold in here?” while exposing enough body hair to clog the Atlantic Ocean on Casual fucking Friday.